Elevator Symphonies

When Arko moved to their new apartment about a year ago I paid a visit to his place to check the complete thing. There are lot of things that I liked about his place but first thing which I told him that 'I like about your apartment is ... '...Elevators aka Lifts. Strange!! right ? How could someone like elevators out of everything for God's sake !!

You must be picturing a gorgeous, flashy, well-equiped, high-tech and spacious elevator, right? and I know where you're going with that imagination....you must be fantasizing about having 'Elevator-Sex' in one of those someday with a smokin hot chick/awesome dude[like me;-)] (you dont care whether he'/she's a hooker/pimp or your best friend's girlfriend/boyfriend ) ... HOLD YOUR HORSES big boy/dirty girl ...  the elevator I'm refering here is not even close to what you've visualized already !!

It has got smooth collapsible gates, hardly 4/5 can stand inside it, I dont remember whether it has got a fan or not and I'm sure most of the modern high-tech security stuffs aint there. But the reason because of which I like the elevator is ... She's fast. She's fast like a bitch ... no no !! let me write bitch in John Travolta style ..... She's fast like a BIAAATCHHH.

Elevators being fast is very very important. Cuz everything goes wrong at the last moment. Every morning  when you're waiting at the lobby to catch the elevator, to you every freakin' second is important and you know you're already late and you're brainstorming hudreds of reasons to give as an excuse to your manager 'cuz you hate when he gives a - "there you are . . . once again you're late ...  what's your excuse today ... Punk!! "-look. You dont know whether that would go against your yealy appraisal or not and you make sure one day when you reach office before your manager does, you make yourself visible to him so he considers atleast that day when you kindda made it on time and you're not THAAAAT late-latif.

Isn't it irritating when elevators stop at every floor? Well, there are lot of things you dont like about elevators. I can list a few but let me tell you an incident from my days in HSBC

Those days whenever I used to tell people that I work for HSBC people used to envy me. Well, that was not because I was an awesomely eligible candidate who does cool stuffs in a company like HSBC or HSBC is one of the best companies that you can work for....it was because of the chicks. Over there you'd see bunch of good-looking, beautiful, hot, smoking-hot, smokingly-hotter and smokingly hottest girls on the floors. It's not that everybody was like angels from eden or something. 'You know what I mean ;-('-category people were there as well but lots amongst 'You know what I mean :-(' category used be well-groomed, I mean you'd not feel very embarassed if you bump onto someone and and she says Hi to you, during your week-end outing at some mall with your super-cool friends. If you've already got what I'm trying to convey here and feeling jealous of me for me having an awesome time surrounded by chicks at some point of time in my life, then I suggest you rather buy a t-shirt which says,"99% women are beautiful and the 1% are in my office". I'm sure that'd suit you. Well honestly speaking I have ordered one of those online already through Tantra t-shirt website. So stop giving me that jealous look and consider me as one of you now.

I used to hit on a lot over there. I mean c'mon it's a natural thing, you're in your early twenties, looking for  hook-up possibilties in every possible ways and you're working in a babes'-land and then if you're not hitting on chicks that would make you gay...ya you heard me ... I said... "THAT WILL MAKE YOU A F***ing GAY". So act, think and read this blog like a normal hetero-sexual Homo Sapiens Sapiens.

So as I was saying that used to hit on a lot, I didnt used to know most of 'em. I mean tried a lot to find out their names from company's employee directory, I-cards, cubicle name-boards but at times you will miss out on a lot....it's normal right ? It's not that I was not desperate or soemthing but sometimes I used to fail as well and I used to console myself by saying that "failures are the pillars of my success"

So there was one girl ... I mean one amongst many whom I used to like a lot. I never could find out her name but I still remember her because of her elegant look. She used wear nice make-ups (She looked way better without make-ups) which were never overworked, her dress sense was amazing. Whatever she used to wear were perfect on her, as if those out-fits were exclusively made for her. Nice colors she used to bring to office and to my life. Ya I can still go ga-ga over some romantic song while thinking of her. She was pretty. She had some personality which you'd admire. She was someone whom you can take you to your mom. Ass is not the first thing that would attract you about her. I guess you got my point by now ... right ?

I'm sure she never thought the things which I thought or still think about her. May be she saw me once in a while on the floors, at cafetaria, during Rewards n Recognitions ceremonies or may be in the elevators...the elevators...oh! shit...I was talking about elevator symphonies right? Again I got diverted from the topic. Lol. These girls are treating me with some kindda remote control and I keep diverting from everything in my life.

a'ite Back to the point, one day me and my buddy cum coleague(now ex) Sammy were coming back to the floor after our first break. We were already late by about 5 minutes. Over there taking breaks and coming back from breaks on time were very important 'cuz one of our SLA(Service Level Agreement) was 'Schedule Adherence'. Everyday our manager Mayur aka Maky-the boss used to scold us but he also used understand that it's really difficult to have tea, giving bites to some street-side snacks, checking out girls outside office while smoking cigerette and venting out frustration about yout job are hell lot of works to be done within 15 minutes time. So sometimes he used to let us go with mild scolding, sometimes not.

As we were already late, we were literally running through the corridor. As we used to deal with lot of sensitive customer information and classified data, security over there is like White House. In order to reach elevator lobby at the ground floor, you have swipe your card atleast 6 times. Anyway we were late and all those swipes were taking some more time. Me and Sammy were speculating that how can we flee this time as we were late from breaks on ... I dunno know how many days in total. "Mayur would'nt spare us today" said Sammy."I know dude ... every f***ing day we're f***ing late", I replied. We hurried through the corridor and finally reached the elevator-lobby and pressed the buttons.

Well that'another funny thing about human beings is that when we're in hurry we press the elevator buttons more than once as if the stupid elevator would understand our urgency and would come down fast like a chariot. Same shit we do with remote controls when the battery in it is almost dead, with calling bells when you have to take a huge dump and your mom is taking some time to answer the door etc.

Finally the Elevator came, none was in it and we rushed inside and pressed the buttons to close the doors, suddenly we felt suffocated. Well it's not because of the reason from the previous blog. Actually the previous boarder of that lift did and act of flatuence (Definition : Flatuence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. Courtesy-Wikipedia) well in English what I meant is ... someone farted inside the elevator before it came to us and that SOAB might had got down on the previous floor. I abused that person as SOAB because of the situation which I am gonna narrate now. Dont think that I call every farter a SOAB, in that case I'm also a SOAB. Everybody farts right ? So everybody cant be a SOAB c'mon. But that person was a SOAB. Wanna know why ? Well let me tell you the rest of the story . . .

Me and Sammy were looking at each other and laughing and cursing the guy who did it and were thinking what to do ? "We should take another lift yaar...this is unbearable", said Sammy. I said "We are already late dude, hold your breathe for 15 seconds and then we'll be fine" . The following discussion took place between on our way up for the next 10-15 seconds.

-"Do you think it's a KFC fart" ? (Definition : KFC Fart is a fart which is followed by a bucket of chicken n lemonade at KFC)
-"I dont know man, and I dont wanna know"
-"Well then what it could be ? Daal chawal fart ?"
-How the f*** I'm supposed to know what kindda fart is this, I dint do it cuz...I was with you the whole time dude"
-Ya but still...I guess...this is like .Pizza fart ... cuz I created soemthing similar once I had Dominos
-Shut the fuck up Sammy..who the f*** are you ... 'Fart-Detective'??
.. oh!! shitt....motha' f***er..I cant stand this pain Adi ... if I die now, tell Sonia that I really loved her and I lied to her when ....

In the midst of Sammy's never-disclosed-confession directed to Sonia,  the elevator door opened. What we saw after that was really shocking for us. It was that girl, whom I was talking about before. What a bad mother-f***ing co-incidence, she was waiting for the same lift which was filled with fart smell, the fart smell which was not because of something me or Sammy responsible for".

It was embarrassing my friends. We walked out of the elevator with our heads down. I was just thinking what she'd have thought of us. ....holy f***ing shit ... I hate elevators ...

We could not speak to each other for next 10 seconds then I broke the silence " Just imagine what she'd think of us man...shit yaar!!"

"ya Adi that was so embarrassing, well she'll think it's me, not you, I mean you dont look like a guy who can fart like that ... so bad yaar "

"ya ass****, as if your fart smell is like trade-marked, everyone knows how Sammy's fart smells, I would not ever be able to look at her again yaar, I used to hit on her a lot"

Then the advice that Sammy gave me , was one of the worst advices given to me ever " Adi you can prove it wrong yaar...just go tell her that ..."IT WASNT ME" ..I mean tell her that it was not you who farted , she'll understand yaar "

After lsitening to the stupidest adivce we both laughed our asses out cuz he also understood what a lame idea it was. Suddenly Maky appeared in front of us and started scolding us for being late and we both were laughing like two shameless jack-asses which pissed-off Maky more.

The whole day I could not work properly, was feeling so embarassed and that's also because of something which I did not do.  Fuck you ... whoever that was, I dont care, I dont care whether it was my Vice President or not....Because of that situation I could never look at her again during the rest of my days in HSBC.